I feel, do you?

"i hurt and i'll hurt you. so go away."

how does one let go of the want for revenge? how does one accept what was done to them, and not want to do it to someone else? how does one move on?

Today, well actually the last few days, I have been very unhappy. I couldn't really put my finger on why, but I know it had something to do with this girl. With this being a public blog, I won't name names but I am going to explain. This girl, I don't know her. I have never met her, or even seen her in person. Explaining what led me to find her on the web and why I was so stuck on her is too complex and personal. But just take it that we have something big in common, and listen to what I proceed with.

I read her "about me" on myspace, and I know she hurts. I can't understand why, but it is almost like I feel her hurt. I want so badly to help her, to help everyone. But I know that is not within my power. Maybe she doesn't want help, maybe she doesn't need it. Maybe I'm just trying to fill my own emptiness by trying to solve hers. It's hard to explain everything without explaining everything, if that makes sense? But I guess what I am getting at is that I feel things that are so profound. I can pick out random people in a crowd, and I just stare at them. I know they have a story, and I so badly want to read it. Or maybe, it's that I so badly want to write it. I can absorb the feelings of people that surround me. Whenever I'm with a friend, and they are venting or whatnot, I feel like I know exactly what they feel...even if I don't. By no means am I always right, but I would venture to say this is my talent. My purpose on this earth.

At times, when I read, and re-read this girl's profile, I wonder if what I feel is a longing to be her. To experience the things she has, just so I can have that story. Or maybe it's all in my head, and she doesn't have a story. But then I question myself, doesn't everyone have a story?

Sometimes, I get anxious when I think of how strongly I feel about everything and everyone. In alot of ways, the fact that I love my friends with all my heart and give them everything I've got to give seems like it would be a good gift to have. But in reality, the fact that I love too much always pushes everyone away. Sometimes I wonder, if maybe I should just stop loving everyone. Isolate myself from the world, for the sole fact I would never get hurt. That is no way to live though. In the end, I really just tell myself someday I will meet someone that actually wants my help, and needs my love. And that, I accept to be my purpose on the earth. What's yours?

A preface of the story I'm working on

Below is a snipet of the story I'm working on, I will post more if I think people like it.

Her aura was intimidating, yet not so you didn’t want to know her,
the kind of intimidating that makes you yearn to know her.
The kind of intimidating that intrigues your mind,
letting you sense that she has such tales to tell.

Looking into her eyes, it was like seeing freshly cut grass on a summer day,
like a flush evergreen in the deepest of winter.
Yet one can never look too long without feeling a fear,
A fear of discovering what may be inside her, behind her eyes.
You want to; you have to know her story.

Her beauty was ugly;
but not because she was hideous,
but because she was so astonishingly beautiful

that it caught the eye of any man or woman that passed by.

Long slender legs carried her. Her walk was one of grace & confidence.
Her skin was fair, appearing delicate from afar,
Although, upon a close look you could see it was rough and damaged.
Her face was framed with long, straight hair that was the blackest of all blacks.

Her sent was like incense,
drawing you in, but one mustn’t forget to keep a distance…
for her smoke will choke you,
and her fire will burn you.

She had a sort of power that acted as a magnet,
& once she had you in her clutch it was so hard to break free.
Inside every sane person, isn’t there always a yearn for insanity?
Blest is the one who holds this power & blesséd are the ones who can resist it.

The enemy of self

"When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you." African Proverb

I can really only speak for myself, and about the things I have experienced, but I would imagine many people would find what I am going to say to be true..

Everyone knows someone that is a "badass" or whatever you want to call it. & Everyone looks at those people in a different way. The kind of person I'm thinking of is the one that does pretty much everything self destructive, illegal, frowned upon, you know the deal. But aren't the majority of those people "popular" or something like that? What I have come to realize, or believe, is that I have never met one of those people that is the way they are without reason. Something generally happened in their life to "fuck them up" per say. Something traumatic, something negligent, & alot of times it can be a manifestation of their own mind. Who knows really, but I suppose my point would be that it's not really right to ridicule those people because they have their own burdens. In fact, it's not really right to ridicule any person but yourself. That idea is very hard to except, I'm aware. It is human nature to be judgemental & by no means am I trying to say that I never judge anyone or something like that.

To put it into perspective:
Think about your neighborhood, and then just your one street. Each house on that street that has people living in it is a different story. Now think about just the people that live in your home, each one of them has their own story. Each one has their own heartbreaks, memories, thoughts. Then think about your self. You have your own heartbreaks, memories, & thoughts as well. Everyone has their own bullshit to deal with, is a blunt way to put it. & really all these little personal stories morph together at some point, and the way I see it is that we are all really fighting for the same thing. Self Acceptance.

I suppose this would be the point where I talk about how this factors into my life, right?
Looking back before my freshman year and actually a portion of the first semester, I was a very different person. I would always look down on girls that "needed a boy to feel good about themselves," or "were always looking for male attention." Looking back now, I can see exactly how I was slowly becoming that girl though. I began to thrive off of male attention, mainly because it was new to me. I began to search for it, I may even go as far to say I was begging for it. I began dressing the way I thought guys wanted me to, talking, doing my makeup, everything in my life began to revolve around boys. The girl I was at that point was no where near the person I really am. I don't know how related all these events are, but they all kind of clumped together to ultimately form one big disastrous, self destructive, painful semester. I pretty much lost all my friends, my relationships with my family, my personal interests, my individuality, I guess you could just say my whole life was gone. My mind had become a one way track of how I was going to find love or "get guys." I know for a solid fact though, that there are other girls that have these same types of thoughts and feelings.

Alot of things happened, I did alot of soul searching, too many things to even go over, but eventually, I figured out why I felt the way I did.
I wasn't comfortable with myself. I wasn't comfortable with being alone. I didn't have self love. & For me at least, that was terribly hard to admit. It was hard to accept that I had changed, that I screwed alot of people over, and I waisted a fuck load of time to be frank. In no way, shape, or form is it easy to just find your self love either, even if you have figured out that is what's missing. It is something that needs to be worked at, and I believe that work of that nature is best done alone. Everyone learns differently & everyone has a different purpose in life. I don't really judge any certain way of life, everyone has something different that works for them. That way of life may not be right for you or work for you, but it really isn't your business, choice, or problem if you think about it.

To conclude this excessively long post, I would like to state it is important to realize that everything that a person goes through brings them to another place in life, and eventually it will bring them to the place they want to be. I am not sure if I completely love myself, or if I am completely content. But I am sure that even if I don't wake up every morning happy, I have happiness throughout everyday. But the thing that is so profound about that is, I don't get that happiness from material things, boys, or really my friends even. I get that happiness because I am so very very proud of where I am today. How I can admit that I did alot of things I shouldn't have, but I learned and am still learning from them everyday. I have happiness in my life everyday because I love the person I am, or the person I am becoming, or the person I am planing to be. What ever you want to call it, it is a very very profound place to be indeed.

June 21, 2010

When I first created this blog, I did so to follow the crowd I suppose. I wrote once, and then forgot about it. I recently remembered that I have this page and decided that I need to start posting. Don't get me wrong, I neither expect people to read this nor do I expect to have "followers," but it is really just for me. I do not plan on hiding the wrongs I've done and the mistakes I've made. Frankly, anybody that will be reading this likely already knows all about them. I'm not using this for gossip, or talking about caddy teen drama. I suppose, my purpose is to share the lessons I've learned. To help other girls (Ha, I suppose boys may benefit too) learn what I now know, without having to go through what I did to learn all these things. I understand that not everyone will agree & feel the same way, but here I state that these are my morals. These are the things I try to live by everyday. These are the things I want in my life, these are my beliefs.