feeling is first.

a four letter word, like my other favorites. *cough momma if your reading this cough*



What can make you feel?
What makes your hair stand up on your neck?
What makes you happy when you're down?
What makes your mind move to places you didn't know existed?
What makes you excited to live?

Everyone feels differently, what makes me weak at the knees may be something you ponder as glib. The important thing is that you know what make you feel, and you know how to feel it. Music, Fashion, Writing, Reading, Sports, Art, Ect.

Find what touches your heart, something that makes you feel surrounded even when you're alone. If I were cliche, I'd call this a "Natural High."

For me, it's words. When I read or write, it's like my whole world is at peace. Everyone I want to be happy is, and I can change things. I can have a profound impact.

If someone is reading this, anyone, and I could leave you with anything tonight, anything you could do for me...

I'd ask you to look inside yourself, and find what makes you feel.

take that statement however it feels for you, and regaurdless find it.

26poundslater.

& it's still on my mind every day.

673 days ago it all began.
it was innocent, healthy, encouraged even.

506 days ago I cried out for help the first time.

I didn't know what was wrong. Nobody understood, nobody knew what to say.

I thought they forgot, but no, everyone just watched.

436 days ago my world was orbiting around one goal.
I was living in my mind.

441 days ago my mom cried out for help.

416 days ago I began treatment.

376 days ago I admitted to myself I had a problem.

322 days ago I was able to talk to my family and friends about it.

They already knew.

93 days ago a boy told me he thought my problem was beautiful, he wished I wasn't better.

I tried to relapse, but my power was gone.

Tomorrow I go to therapy at 3:00 pm

45 minutes ago I deamed it was time to make my story known.

you learn about eating disorders in health, but they don't seem real. That's not a disease, right?

Anorexia Nervosa is more than a body issue, it's a mind controller.

It is debilitating, humiliating, & life changing.and when you're cured you're cured, right?

but nobody tells you that recovery is worse.

You know how mother's say you can't know how it feels to long for a baby when you can't have one, well you don't know what it's like to long for your eating disorder back once it's gone.

the pain and the feelings are there, even at your happiest times,

just to remind you what you've been though.

it'd be so easy to just loose all the weight you've gained, right?

but the way I starved myself is beyond my mind power now.

I know my body needs food, so I eat, and eat, and eat.

& that's the other half of it...

where is the balance? how can you eat, but not eat until you want to vomit?

how can you eat, and just eat normally, and not starve yourself?

I write this because I'm going to be the one girl brave enough to tell her story. To tell other girls who want to loose weight it's not worth it. To tell those people who think eating disorders are glamerous that they are the farthest thing from pretty. To tell them that eating disorders kill. I hope this makes you feel, and for those of you reading who watched me go through this,
i'm sorry.
And for those of you who may feel like you're falling into an obbsession with dieting, get help before it gets worse. And if you're recovering and you feel like it will never get better, it will. Today it's taken me nearly two full years to be able to say that I'm realitivly confident with my body. I eat whatever I want in moderation, and my weight fluctuates about ten pounds a month up or down. I'm not happy with my body everyday, and it's the farthest thing from perfectm but i accept it. There is hope, and you don't have to do it alone. If you don't want to talked to a loved one, email me.

carolinekaiserblogs@yahoo.com

A thought on Love...

Well, I didn't really want to post the video but rather just the song but this is the only way I could think to do it. The reason I wanted you to hear this song is because it really inspires me. I mean, it does talk about love and all, but the big thing I got out of it was how in the beginning she talks about her parents relationship. That is the main thing I'm going to talk about here. She is talking about how the fact her parents fought made her not want to fall in love. Now is where I talk about my parents...

My mother and father will have been married for 28 years in August. Thinking about that and how rare it is these days is mind boggling. They were married for about 3 years before they had my sister, Sarah. After that they tried and tried to have another child but couldn't. Ten years later, they had stopped trying and I became my Mother's miracle. So, my sister and I were both raised practically as only children. When I was only 8, my sister moved to Georgia to go to art school. She hasn't lived at home since, but of course she visits. My parents have always given me everything I need and much more. Sure, they've had fights but really they are few and far apart. My objective isn't to go into detail about the relationships I hold with my family, but to speak of what my parents' relationship reflects onto me.

My dad wasn't always the best father to my sister and me but he never really treated my mom badly. Though they aren't ever lovely dovey and such, I think the fact that they are in love is clear. Even if they aren't in love, they care deeply for each other, enough to have kept them together for all these years. Tieing this back to the song, my point is that my parents have set a good example of a healthy relationship for their kids. But yet...I don't believe love exists. I believe you can care for a person, lust a person, or destroy a person. But the assumption that two people can fall madly into some romantic relationship seems to be a mere facade of one's imagination. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be a negative nancy or dampen your hopes of finding love. I do hope I'll be proved wrong one day, but until then my opinion stands.

In "The Only Exception" she says she promised herself she'd never believe in love because of her parents' relationship and then some guy proves her wrong. I wanted to blog about this song because I don't know why I have not faith in love. My parents set a good example. Maybe it's just because no man has ever loved me, let alone had honest intentions with me. Maybe one day I'll believe, but for those out there that do, I think that would be a very exciting thing to feel. And the last thing I'm trying to do is change or belittle that opinion, but analyze it really.

In conclusion, I have been thinking about the United States as a whole alot lately with the 4th of July coming up and all. Should we really be celebrating this country? I mean, we are fortunate of course, but we are also destructive and shady and dishonest. The BP oil spill is killing so many ocean creatures, and they won't even let anyone save the turtles before they try and burn the oil out. Why should we celebrate this country when we all we care about is money? I hope things turn around, and I get my faith in humanity back. But isn't it a frightening thought when you ponder what future generations will bring? And I would hope, if love does exist, it is as profound as it sounds, and maybe...it has the power to over come all the evil in this world. Happy Fourth!

Ch. 1 (maybe!) of the story

Fern
April 27, 2010


Alone, she sits in silence peering through the picture window in her breakfast nook. Fern dreamt of a butter colored breakfast nook with a large picture window to show her garden since marring Winthrop, and she finally built it when he opened his private practice. She sits, looking into her garden. The very garden she planted daisies with Teagen and dafidils with Zelda.
Teagen & Zelda, her pride and joy, her sorrow & pain, her everything.
Fern sits, powerless, pondering. A mother – a good mother – is supposed to fix the wrong doings & correct all misfortunes, but what is there to be done when every bridge has been burned and there is no hope, happiness, or improvement to be found? No more tears to be shed or lectures to be given, and the only thing left to do is sit, pondering where it all went wrong.
They were never supposed to be that family. Guilt burdens her frail figure like an iron suit. Even her own husband blames her, leaving her alone to bear the weight of shattered perfection. Shattered dreams. Shattered lives.
So. She sits. Withered skin, the stories of her life forming ringlets in her black, black, black hair. Her striking blue eyes grown red from tears, sunken in with dark circles from long nights. Bones aching with emotional burdens, draped in silk pajamas. The cherry blossom print that once seemed oh so elegant now appears merely a trifle in her chaotic life. And so she sits, empty, sleep deprived, malnourished, numb. Trembling, she stares out into her garden.
How is the world still spinning, the sun still rising, lives still living, when the only thing she has the capacity to do is sit, attempting to conceive thought of a future, for she is left the only one still hoping. For she is left alone to pick up all the shards of her family.
Her home is silent, nearly unsettlingly so. Teagen has now been sleeping for over a day. Fern has grown accustom to the cycle, in a way expecting to find Teagen’s body cold soon as well. Winthrop has been sleeping at his office. Maybe the best solution is to run. Run until reality is no longer visible. But still fern sits in her breakfast nook. The movie of her mind growing monotonous – replaying the past weeks, months, years. Looking as far back as Zelda’s birth. Beautiful, beautiful Zelda. Laughter filled their house each day when she was a little girl. These memories shove a knife into Fern’s protruding ribs – and she bleeds, and bleeds, and bleeds. Pouring her guilt out, staining her white marble floor that once completed her façade of perfection. How could she have let this happen to her baby girl?
And time passes…flowers turn to weeds and verdence turns to drought. Hours to days, and days to weeks.

And all she does is sit.